Eugene Mirman - Have The Report On My Dick In The Morning

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Introduction, A Gift From Derrick

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3:31

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Some Jokes That Have To Do With My Girlfriend, A Hotel In Boston, A Man In Provincetown, Twitter, Time Vs. Timing, A Neck Pillow

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5:00

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Sub Pop Showcase At SxSW

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1:56

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3:03

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Some Jokes That Touch Upon Religion, Guitar Center

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3:04

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A LinkedIn Profile

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2:39

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The Time I Was Mugged In Mexico With Michael Stipe

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5:48

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Girlfriend, Khaleesi, Any Questions, Making A ‘Zine

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3:50

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Contacting Celebrities On Facebook

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4:18

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Not Happy With A Parking Ticket I Got In Portsmouth, NH

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7:59

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Paintings I Made To Showcase At My Local Whole Foods

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2:29

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I Marry A Couple From The Audience On Stage

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7:05

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Welcome To The Meditation, Please Get Comfortable

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3:22

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2:26

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1:55

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Tummy, Doodle & Hoo-Hoo

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2:54

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2:54

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Throat, Arms & Hands

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2:41

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1:51

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Thank You Body, Simple Ways To Relax

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3:14

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Horse Galloping

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Cat Asking For Directions

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Two Sheep Arguing

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Mice Making Fried Rice

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Fox Embarrassed About His Boner

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Giraffe Sleeping

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Chicken Prostitute Haggling

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Toilet Flushing

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Automatic Door Opening

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Frying Pan Sizzle

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Dishwasher Running

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Telephone Ringing

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Telephone Falling On The Ground

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VCR Ejecting A Tape

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Group Of Businessmen Agreeing

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Baby Locked In A Dresser

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Little Girl Crying

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Man Walking In Boots

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Screaming Woman Who Sounds Like A Man

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TV Audience Clapping At Food

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Last Guy At A Rave

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Scanning An Item

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Feeling For A Ripe Avocado

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Jihadist After Seeing About A Boy

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Jack-In-The-Box

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Italian Person Eating a Pizza Pie

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Naturalized Immigrant Doing A Job You Are Unqualified For

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Abortion Doctor Enjoying A Candy Bar

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Grand Wizard Can’t Find A Sock

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Powerful Senator

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Powerful Senator II

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Ambient Noise In An Airplane

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Airplane Flying

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Police Siren In Europe

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Police Siren In Belgium

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.357 Magnum Inside A Watermelon

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Gays In The Military

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Sentient Robot Going About His Daily Business

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Computer Downloading A File

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Kids Playing In The Park

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Kids Playing In The Park II

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Spaceship Flying

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Spaceship Crashing

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Going To Warp Speed

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Alien Supermarket

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Someone Controlling Technology By Waving Their Hands

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Ronald Reagan Taking A Shower

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Fur Coat Getting Fucked By A Bunch Of Cats

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Tree Falling In A Forest

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Jewish Person Saying “Oy Vey” Wrong

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People Being Diligent At An Ad Agency

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Living Helicopter Complaining

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Chinese Woman Eating Lasagna

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Hero Returning From A Budweiser Commercial

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Elephant Having Trouble

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One Of Those People On The Street Who Tries To Get Money

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Telephone Calling A Toaster

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Grasshopper Asking A Dog A Question

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Shortwave Radio

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Two Apples On A Rainy Sunday In The Fall

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Dentist Having Sex

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Panda At A Hotel

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Birth Control Pills Telling A Little Boy Not To Eat Them

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Cat That Doesn’t Mind

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Male Toothpaste Being Sneaky

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Creamy Polenta Vs. Couscous

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Old Man’s Penis

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Museum That Needs To Use The Bathroom

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Celebrity Agreeing To Take A Selfie

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Guy Getting A Sweet Beej

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Fire Hydrant That Doesn’t Want Anyone To Know It’s Anti-Semitic

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Bellhop Who Got Stung

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LGBT Party Where People Are Eating Sushi

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LGBT Newsletter That Loves The Expendables Franchise

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Sweaty Kid Crying About A Sandwich

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Too Many Pieces Of Paper

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Magic Clown Using His Powers

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Wild Turkey Bragging About His Mansion

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The Number 84 Explaining To The Number 52 That It Is Bigger But Not Better

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Tape Recorder Being Used Wrong

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Misogynistic Maple Trees

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Apple Sauce Being Naughty

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Two Pistols Sitting On A Shelf

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Cookies Being Arrested

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Sheep That Is Too Cute To Eat

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Daughter Reacting To Her Mother Telling Her There Are Two Kinds Of People In This World

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Desk Covered In Hair

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Person From 1870 Who Was Frozen In Time

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Boy Who Loves Hammocks

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A Billion Ants Writing A Complaint Letter

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Two 20-Year-Olds Touching Their Winkies

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Yellow Line That Divides Roads

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Smell Of A Pear

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Group Of Wealthy Men

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25 Rats Sleeping

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Telescope Being Defensive

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Larry King Being Told Important Information

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The Moment A Well-Respected Author Wins The Guinness World Record

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Little Girl Teasing A Lamp

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Zoo With Nothing To Lose

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Friendship Bracelet

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Thor’s Hammer, Mjölnir

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Two Lost Fireflies

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Elevator At The Empire State Building

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Tip Of A Billionaire’s Penis

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Brand New Pillows Covered In Blood

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French Kids Picking Apples

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Huge Pile Of Dirty Shirts

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Hotel Guest Falling Asleep Frustrated

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RomneyCare & ObamaCare

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The Nerve Of Some People

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Spilled Milk That Found Out Its Son Died In A Car Accident

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A BuzzFeed List

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Two College Kids Subtly Trying To Figure Out Which One Is More Disadvantaged

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Fox News & MSNBC

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Amicable Divorce

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Bing-Bong Ding-Dong Playing With Boom-Boom Doom-Doom

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Telecommuting Cat

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Caldor Binge Drinking

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Gender Roles On Their Way To A Football Game

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School Teacher Given Permission

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High School Hockey Team Seeing 20 Years Into The Future

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Anna Kendrick Discovering An Underwater City

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The Czech Republic

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Drug Lord Feels Pretty Bad

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Hotel Bed That Is Tired

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Warm Handmade Boiled Bagels

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Silly Billy Goat Got A Heroin Addiction

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A Medically Reliable Introduction To Digital Drugs

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Apple Cider Vinegar

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I Simply Keep Crying

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25:35

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Welcome To My Russian Audio Phrasebook

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Common Statements & Questions For Everyday Situations

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Conversational Russian In The Workplace

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Casual Phrases For Parties, Pubs & Outings

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Proper Dinner Conversation For The Educated Guest

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Small Talk With Strangers & Acquaintances in Public Spaces

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Useful Phrases While On Vacation In Russia

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Commonplace Subjects Within The Rich World of Academia

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Polite Ways To Engage People of High Status

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Enter The Fuckscape

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Take A Ride On The Poon Schooner

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3:19

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I’m A Dirty Little Foreign Advisor

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3:32

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I Thought I Was The Pancake Man

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You’re A World-Class Pussy-Grifter

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8:18

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Intro To Ringtones

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Vibrate Vibrate Vibrate

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Ding-Dong Doodly-Doo

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Waterfalls Shrimp Shrimp

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Fiddle-Doddle-Doodle-Deedle

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Doo-Doo-Pa-Dee-Da-Da-Pada

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Phone Is Ringing

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Zippa-Dee-Doo-Da Zippa-Dee-Da

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Husband Calling

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Someone Is Calling

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Fuckface Calling

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Wouowowoooouuuooo

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Trtrtrtrtrtrtrllllbbrrr

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Vrrrvvvvvvvvvvbbbrrr

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Hyeuueehuuyehyeheyehyeyeeuu

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Hrrruuhrrrunnghruu

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Hraaaa! Hraavlaa!

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Luuuuleelaaalalou!!

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Unnngnhhhnhnhnuua

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Answer The Phone

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Susan Sarandon Is Calling

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Doodle-Doodle Hoo-Hoo

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I Can’t Answer The Phone

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Intro To Outgoing Voicemail Messages

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The Sizzle-Maker

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Leave Your Name

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Penicillin Dong

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Thong McHacky-Sack

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Confident Balls

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Pile Of Sneakers

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Crème Fresh Jackson

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I Can’t Answer The Phone 2

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Flitchy Woo-Woo

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Slick Motherfucker

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Can’t Come To Phone

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Hello, Mr. Cunt

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Standard Greeting 1

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Standard Greeting 2

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Standard Greeting 3

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Standard Greeting 4

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

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Standard Greeting 5

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

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Standard Greeting 6

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:09

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Standard Greeting 7

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:07

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I Can’t Answer The Phone (But I Want To)

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

2:15

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Please Take Off Your Shoes

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:04

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Don Draper Has The Flu

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:06

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Moons Over Your Hammy

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0:10

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It’s Not A Slumber Party Without Thor

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Now My Back Hurts

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0:04

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Waffle House Parking Lot Mix-Up

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:13

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Thank You So, So Much Mandy Patinkin

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:04

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I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

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Sneaking Around The Zoo

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:08

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Goodnight, Buddy

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:17

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Baba Yaga Already Said She Was Sorry

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:06

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Faxed To The Wrong Number

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0:12

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Linda Ronstadt Chillaxing

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1960’s Street Fight

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

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Seriously Bro, You Just Made Me Goosh… Thanks

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0:09

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You Can Call Me Al (Not Song)

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0:06

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Don’t Worry, This Man-Nanny Can Keep A Secret

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0:11

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The Best Misunderstanding

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Whoa… Lookout, Sir Beast-Weasel

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0:07

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Kindhearted Fireman

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0:06

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Let’s Put Our Intellectual Property Debate On Hold

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0:04

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Happy Valentine’s Day, Mr. And Mrs. President

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:11

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Ice Cream Hearts Melting In The Love-Sun

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:11

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Offal For Lunch, Woo-Hoo For Dinner

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:24

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Goofballs Having Silly Fun

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:09

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The Jackal Never Misses!

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:10

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Land-Grabber’s Cousin Has Nice Upstairs

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

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Mrs. Thunder/Mr. 80% Chance Of Rain

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:07

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Don’t Mind If I Do…

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0:11

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Round One Goes To Princess-Rump

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0:07

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Happy And Stuffed

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0:06

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Just Another Guns N’ Roses Brunch

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0:06

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Pleasant Surprise At Sleepaway Camp

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0:07

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Handsome Old Man Has A Tummy Ache

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0:04

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I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:11

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No, Please… After You

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0:08

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Gimme Back My Bonnie Raitt CD… Actually, Keep It

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0:10

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Tollbooth Attendant Is Open-Minded

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:08

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88% On Rotten Tomatoes

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0:04

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Mischievous Whoopsy-Daisy

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0:13

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Two Rascals Showing Off

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0:28

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48 And Flexible

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0:06

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That Was Worth It

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0:13

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Bandits Helping Around The House

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Army Buddies Going Big-Ball Bowling

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:14

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I’m The Autodidact Of Amour

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:10

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Oh, My Wife Knows

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0:09

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That Was The Best FTP I Ever Uploaded

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:13

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The Healing Heart/Mother-In-Law

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:06

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Just Two Doves At A Sweat Party

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0:19

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We Get Five Weeks’ Vacation In Holland

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0:05

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Young Man Is An Excellent Executive Administrative Assistant

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:16

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Two Adults In A Small Space

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0:11

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Dude, We’re On The 5 O’Clock News

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0:18

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www.thepleasuresallmine.gov

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0:11

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I Don’t Have The Hiccups Anymore

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0:08

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Thank You For Allowing Me Access To Your Oven

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0:15

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These Goat-Like People Know Their Bodies!

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:08

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Bill Clinton Is Still Quite Playful

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:10

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I Could Sure Use A Glass Of Water Now

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:09

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The Kindness Of Strangers

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0:10

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We’re Registered At Bed, Bath & Behind

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:13

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IT Department Doesn’t Have A Care In The World

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0:04

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Brassy, Bald And Ejaculating

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:09

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I Voted For McCain In 2000

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0:10

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New Car Smell, Old Car Feel

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:09

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Paul Can Really Push Good

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:12

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Stay In My Guest Room As Long As You Want

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:08

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David And Joshua Mutual Pleasure Exchange

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:08

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Doin’ The Flip-A-Doo

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:05

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Anti-Vaxxer “Saxophone” Relaxer

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:11

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Germaphobe Does Not Mind

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0:04

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Very Sleepy Man Delivers On Promise

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0:09

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Fourscore And Seven Years Of Happy-Happy

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0:12

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I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:09

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French Woman Enjoying A Danish

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:06

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No Shirt, No Shoes — Service

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0:12

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With Or Without You (Preferably With)

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0:12

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Shouts And Murmurs

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:04

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Pilates Are Invigorating

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0:12

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I'll Take A Look At The Dessert Menu

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0:08

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The Last Rock Star

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0:20

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It's Noon Somewhere

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0:04

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My Bar Mitzvah Was Ten Years Ago

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0:16

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Community Bookstore Meet-Up Gone Good

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:05

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Love Clean Up, Aisle One

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:13

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Found Your Thing Using MapQuest

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0:05

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Divorced MILF At A Used Record Store

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:15

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This Cheesecake Is Divine

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:04

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I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:16

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Can't Find My Socks (Don't Want To)

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:05

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Even Better Than An Associate Degree

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0:13

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I Went To School In The Boston Area

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:10

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Happiness Is A Warm Dong

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:11

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Square Hole, Triangle Peg, Plus Another Square Hole

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:20

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Call Me Dr. Stardust

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0:04

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Now That's How A Puppy Should Sneeze

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:23

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Fun Times Inside A Grain Elevator

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0:04

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Operation Cooch-Toot

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:17

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I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:04

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My Parents Won't Be Home For A Year And Five Days

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:08

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Sure, In There Is Fine

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0:04

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The Official Webcam Of Yugoslavia

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0:07

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Last Entry Is At Three, But You Can Stay Til Six(!)

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0:10

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We Were Just Talking About You

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0:09

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Bridesmaid Cutting Loose At The Governor Bradford

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:09

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I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:10

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We Deserve A Michelin Star

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0:10

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Mr. Mamet Showing Off His Special Forces

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:21

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Soup Dumplings, Squish-Squish

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:07

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How Very Hemmingway Of You

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0:04

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Drinking Straight Out Of Lust’s Milk Carton

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:11

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Amateur Anthropologist Makes Important Observation

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:15

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Senior Year Hebrew School Mischief

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:08

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I Wonder If This Was Allowed In Prussia?

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0:13

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Pretty Fun Night In Merrill C3 Short

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0:07

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Should We Take The Bridge Or The Tunnel?

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:13

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Dirty Boulevard

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0:04

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Is The Love-Falcon Available For Birthdays?

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:09

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Portland, ME Is Cool… But Really Weird

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0:10

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The Wish-Maker Will See You Now

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:17

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Head Of Development Instructing Rugged Hiker

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:12

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The Shenanigans You Requested

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0:05

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I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:10

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Please Don’t Make This About Harold Pinter (Again)

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:07

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Wet Hot Americano

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:14

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A Gentleman Never Reveals His Source

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:13

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Glad The Town Approved Your Slurping Permit

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:09

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A Mime Betrayed, A Mime Forgiven

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:10

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I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:10

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Please Be Quiet Or You’ll Wake Up My Titties

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0:08

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Never You Mind That

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0:09

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She Got A Real Candy Apple Poot-Hooter

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0:10

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Dolph Lundgren At That Top Of His Game

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:08

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Mustachioed Man Has Patience, Diligence

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:11

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Two Gigolos, One Office Manager

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:10

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Secretary Of State Is Not Off-Putting

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:10

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It Took Another Man’s Wife To Make This Boy A Man

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0:11

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Nothing Goes To Waste

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:18

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My Mouse Is Thankful For Your Mouse

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:11

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Make Yourself At Home

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:04

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Meet Me By The Condom Machine

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:05

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I Feel Like I’ve Known You For Hours

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:13

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Oh, I Thought You Wanted Something Else, Glad It Worked Out

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0:06

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Fire Your Dentist!

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:09

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Postwar Japan Is Well-Understood By These Two

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:14

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Gene Simmons Crying In A Pile Of Shit

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:10

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I’m The Only Lady Who Could Pull Excalibur Outta There

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0:07

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Rooting For Truffles, Miami Style

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:12

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Businessman Has Ding-Dong Like Rocket Ship

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0:07

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Sally’s In Charge

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0:10

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Too Much Pudding, Not Enough Spoons

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0:10

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The Turkish Parliament Has Approved This “Carrot-Man”

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:04

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It’s Raining Dan

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:08

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It’s Like Apples And Oranges (Fucking)

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0:04

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College Is Exactly What I Was Hoping It’d Be

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0:20

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Mentally Ill Farmer Is Finally Getting Help

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:04

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A Swedish Couple Enjoying Hearty Vegetables

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:06

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Vulnerable Oligarch Vulnerably Sexting

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:07

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Best Friends/Next Level

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:09

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Tooth Fairy Is Quite Real

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0:05

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Civil Disobedience Met With Heartfelt Understanding

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0:14

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A Textbook Case Of Level-12 Pleasure

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0:04

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So Glad That Was You Behind Me

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:06

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An Astoundingly Honest And Fun Salesman

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0:04

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Celebrating My Promotion With My Wife And Some Dude

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:11

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Martha Washington? Mmmm Hmmmm

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0:08

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Crammin’ For The Jam Exam

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0:10

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I’m Glad We Waited Til Dusk

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0:09

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You Are As Powerful And Detail-Oriented As A River, Sir

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0:04

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Just A Couple Of Lucky Special Ed Teachers

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0:13

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You’re Like John Adams Times 1.5!

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0:05

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Babysitter Surprisingly Into Divorced Software Engineer

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0:09

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I Guess We’ll Need A New Kitchen

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0:08

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Guilty Catholics Have To Marry Each Other

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:10

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They Call Me The “You’re Welcome Man”

I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

0:30

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Let’s Get Your Mind Off Of The Dust Bowl

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0:07

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So Relieved We Found This Abandoned Schoolhouse

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0:07

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File Under “The Rolling Stones”

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0:06

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No Need To Explain Your Clean Aqueduct

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0:11

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My Poon-Noodles Are Your Doon-Poodles

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0:07

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Two-State Solution With Benefits

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0:07

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My Skill Set Qualifies Me For This Position

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0:10

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Can’t Tell If This Is Sex Or Hockey

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0:12

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Have The Report On My Dick In The Morning

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0:05

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So This Is Medicaid?

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0:07

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Mature Cougar Is Addicted To Beej Pie

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0:10

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Abe Lincoln (Not That One) Is Ready For Fatherhood

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0:06

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Sure, You Can Use The Cat Door

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0:08

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No Senator, I Already Have Two

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0:16

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PTA Meeting Is Full Of Joy And Wonder

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0:06

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Oh Peter, Thank You For The Yard Work

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0:10

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A Real Whodunnit!

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0:09

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Horace’s Compromise

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0:10

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Plutocrats Got Feelings Too

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0:08